This Internet needs an enema.
There is a lot of garbage on social media and it’s time to clean it up. Unfortunately, there are not enough of peope willing to filter themselves or promote proper online etiquette. What we are left with is a wasteland of witless hacks eagerly sucking at the teat of attention.
Facebook has done a wonderful job fine-tuning their algorithm to ensure we all get a face full of rubbish first thing in the morning. Looks like it is up to me to plunge deep into the toilet, unclog some turds, and flush them out of the Internet.
1) Treating Internet Bloggers Like Writers and Blogs like Published Articles
The need for clicks blurs the line between journalism, editorials, studies, and some blogger’s musings. Deep down every Internet writer wants to be Matt Taibbi and shape other’s beliefs by using the online bully pulpit they’ve slowly built ($20 a year on Wordpress).
Although we treat a Thought Catalogue piece on Inappropriate Sexual Tension in Latvian Classrooms as though it’s a peer reviewed study in the Oxford Journal, it’s not. Traditional media has a strange checks and balances… a funny way of vetting people. It takes years of hard work to move up in the industry and gain trust (unless you are attractive). But now, every idiot has a voice.
Bloggers are not journalists. Internet hosts are not anchors. A podcast is not a radio show. Stop feeding the breeding ground that gives relevance to people like Milo Yiannopoulos, Cenk Uygur and Alex Jones.
2) Being Offended
TRIGGER WARNING: The regressive left continues to shoot itself in the foot by fighting every. single. thing. with tactics like public shaming. SPOILER ALERT: you are only giving bigots more power and turning people against whatever your cause initially was.
You are not helping, you are virtue signaling.
3) Being vague, dramatic, and airing out your personal shit
Breaking: NO ONE CARES that you are going to delete your profile, that you can’t get a man, or that the server gave you bad service . It makes you look crazy and I know this because you post the same shit all the time!
Same goes for pity trolling, “exciting opportunities”, and the “big things” you have coming up or your “new project”. 9/10 nothing ever comes from this. You are just overcompensating and inflating your own bullshit. Feel free to post when you’ve done something.
“Launching my own YouTube channel” –Does two videos and gives up.
4) Overusing the Cool New Features
Remember when Facebook Live became public? Suddenly every accountant in the country had a ‘TV Show’. Every ten minutes a new video would pop up of someone driving home, eating lunch, or pointlessly talking directly into the camera about nothing.
It’s the same with new Snapchat filters, the colour status updates and so on so forth. I’m not saying DON’T DO IT I’m just saying limit how often you DO IT and save these cool features for when you have something interesting to transmit. Otherwise, you are just oversaturating the newsfeed thus making the new features bland and pointless like everything else.
4.5) Over #Hashtagging
The rule of thumb is two. Two hashtags. Furthermore, the hashtag should not be the punchline of your joke or the point of the subject you were discussing.
“Someone needs to work on their tan… or just work out.” #AnneHathaway #SunsoutGunsOut #ColossalAss #movie #film #fitness
Do you realize how stupid that looks? Even worse are the over eager marketeers who think by hashtagging every possible related item they will get discovered. All it does is blurry tour message and make you look like an amateur. Pick the two most applicable (or relate it to whatever is trending) and use that. I initially forgot to put this on my list and thankfully comedian Jay Whitecotton posted this:
5) Shooting Video in Portrait Mode
Distributing and watching video in portrait mode is easier than ever thanks to mobile platforms like Snapchat, Periscope and the overall mobile responsiveness of most websites. However, that is not how video is supposed to be viewed. If you are shooting the next exciting viral video, do your best to make it look good.
Let me ask you something: if I were downtown and happen to catch an amazing fight, which video would you rather watch? The one that cuts out a lot of the action or the one on that encompasses the entire scene.
6) Cropping Screenshots of Shitty Memes
It’s easy to screenshot and re-post something that made you chuckle. Even easier to share the screenshot someone else posted but at least take the time to format the media – the message you so wish to share publicly – in a visually pleasing manner that’s easier for your audience to consume.
What in the actual fuck is this???
7) Correcting Typos
Listen you self-righteous piece of shit, you are no better than anyone else and I highly doubt there are this many high school English teachers doing the lord’s work on Facebook. In fact, the need to publicly shame someone for typing “form” instead of “from” doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look like an asshole. Furthermore, it’s easy. Find another way to toss a jab or win the argument.
I get mads
8) Thoughts and Prayers
“All you are saying is ‘don’t forget about me today’.” Anthony Jeselnik:
9) Instagraming/Facebooking your Snapchats
Pretty sure the purpose of Instagram is not to repost blurry, low quality pictures/videos with cliché captions over them.
10) Sharing any website that is a click-through gallery filled with nonsense
Yes, I would honestly like know what the 30 Worst Comic Book Movie Villains of All Time are but the crap website (and cheap method of getting clicks via gallery) has crashed my computer. Any article posted in gallery form is not actually an article and not worth reading or sharing.
11) News Media Using the Term “Goes Viral”
Where did reporters get stories before the Internet? Every other kicker is about something going viral. Admit it, “Goes Viral” is your way of saying “Here’s an easy piece of crap to share that requires zero effort on our part.”
12) Fake Articles
Please, if you read something so profound that you must to share, do a quick fact check. Snopes it, Google the author, look at a few of the website’s other articles… check the source material – whatever it takes!
EDIT: unfortunately, I wrote this in 2015 so it’s too little too late.
Nothing but good can come from being skeptical and using a bit of critical thinking. Either you’ll confirm the information (making your case for sharing stronger) or you’ll nip the spread of misinformation right in the bud.
Please leave satire to the Onion
13) Anything Political
It’s about to get bad. Really bad. Both parties are hell bent on driving a giant wedge in our country and the endless amounts of fake propaganda spread by uncredible websites on social media by dullards will just make it worse.
EDIT: Again, I wrote some of this in 2015… so, yeah.
13.5) Arguing on Threads
It’s a giant waste of time. No one is going to read that well thought out paragraph you just typed. TL;DR bruh! Sure it logically demonstrates how your life experiences brought you to that conclusion which confirms your bias but – believe me – you are never going to change anyone’s mind by arguing online.
14) Overplayed Eight Grade Insults
“hipster” “douche” “millennial” “libtard” “snowflake” “cuck”
They’ve been used so much that the words have essentially lost all meaning. Perhaps you could try to come up with some new, original insults (like my favorite: queef).
15) Sharing Vine and YouTube Celebrities
We all need to come together and say: “No more!” Stop giving worthless, uncreative hacks a platform with which to share their mediocre skits.
16) Sharing Videos that are Old AF
When did Facebook become the worst of America’s Funniest Home Videos? Yes, we’ve all seen the dachshund running around with fireworks in his mouth (back in 1987).
OMG! You all have to see this. So funny!
17) Following, Sharing and Supporting Aggregators
In 2015, an Instagram personality known as The Fat Jewish came under fire for profiting from jokes (in the form of memes) that he had stolen. Dozens of well-known comedians proved without a doubt that he had taken their material, did not give any proper credit (in some cases even cropping out the originator), and was making money by using his following to sell ads. Though the Fat Jewish sort of apologized, was dropped by a major agency and had a pilot pulled; he still continues the operation – and idiots still continue to regularly like and share the garbage he (and others) didn’t even create in the first place.
18) Memes
It is over. They are done. No longer funny, informative or remotely entertaining. THEY ARE TEARING US APART LISA!
About the Author
CJ Morgan is not a writer. He is a click-bait hack and angry radio DJ who is bitter over the fact no one ever clicks on his stuff and that he will never be famous enough.
