Being a bartender in any city has it’s perks. Sure, we get tips, we meet new people, and we get to work in a fun atmosphere.
But there are some things I can say from my time working as a bartender in Austin…
1. You Are Not Special
Don’t come to the bar with your suit and tie just to sit and wait for me to have a second to talk to you as if you’re someone special. I don’t care if you think I’m too pretty to work there, I don’t care about your lake house, or your boat, or you penthouse at the Austonian- you’re fucking creepy and you should go wander off to the W.
2. Keep it Simple on Dirty
On sixth street, don’t ask me to make some fancy shmancy drink that I’ve never heard of because who actually went to bartending school? I was just hired because I’m pretty. But seriously, you have plenty of options- you’re on the wrong street if you want a flaming creme brulee martini.
3. Be Kind, Be Patient
It’s 1:59am and all I see when I look over my shoulder is a bunch of slow-motion slobs holding money up, leaning over the counter begging for one last drink before time is up. Most likely, I’m going to go for the most patient/kindest person. You throwing a $5 in my face isn’t going to get you a last minute drink….in fact, give me your fucking cup and get the fuck out. Queso at Magnolias is calling my name.
4. Tip Well, Get Treated Well
When you’re in the warehouse district, don’t expect tons of freebies and/or ANY kind of constant attention when you’re not a good tipper. We have regulars that treat us well, your sloppy frat boy ass can go to 6th street.
5. I Don’t Care if It’s Your Birthday
It’s always someone’s birthday. No, you can’t have a free “Birthday/Bachelor/Bachelorette shot”. But you CAN pay for one (or make a friend).
6. Anyone Can Print Business Cards
I don’t give a fuck that you’re a CEO of some startup that isn’t going anywhere. You’re one in a million in this town. Stop bragging about it, no one cares. By the way, your credit card was declined so tell your escorts to stop taking selfies with that bottle…I need to sell it to someone who actually has money to pay for it.
7. Oh, you know the owner?
That’s awesome! That little fact doesn’t mean much to me being that everyone knows everyone in this city. Still want that $9 a shot round for you and your buddies?
Sure. I’ll wait until you go get your dads card.
-Shannon S., Guest Contributor
