What fun we are about to have! It’s officially #WizardWeek™ which means it’s time for the Captain to pull out his wand, gaze deep into the crystal balls and conjure up some radio magic. To kick things off, let us countdown the greatest of all time!
After sifting through the scrolls of time, compiling years of ancient knowledge and seeking guidance from my master, I have compiled the definitive list.
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Here are the Greatest Wizards of All Time
14) Orko
Orko never really did anything but screw stuff up. Still, he was a valuable member of the team! All medieval space knights need a creepy alien, bat-like wizard.
13) Wizard of Oz
Oz was a great and powerful Wizard of a mysterious land across the rainbow. In actuality, he was just a shitty inventor. Sometimes the placebo effect is more powerful.
12) Gandalf the White
“From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth… Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side… Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time… The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth… But it was not the end. I felt life in me again.”
11) The Pinball Wizard
How does he do it? He beat all the best scores without sight or sound!
10) Mr. Wizard
Watch Mr. Wizard was an television program for children that demonstrated the science behind ordinary things. He was kind of a dick,
9) Lo Pan
He might not have been powerful enough to rule in East Asia, but inside of San Francisco, Lo-Pan was the man!
8) Dumbledore
His passive aggressive cryptic crap grew a bit weary by the end of the Harry Potter series. However, his willingness to orchestrate his own death in order to save the World is worthy of being at the top of this list.
7) Gilbert Arenas
An elite scorer with a knack for taking, and often hitting, buzzer-beater threes, Arenas was a sight to behold night in and night out. Averaging 25.5, 29.3 and 28.4 from 2005-2007, Arenas was a legitimate star and was named All-NBA all three seasons.
6) The NES Wizard
This little Wizard ran away from home to compete in the greatest tournament of all time! The NES Championships in California. Thanks to the help of his brother and some strange they picked up along the way, the autistic young man was able to triumph over power glove toting douchebags.
5) Akiro
It’s bad luck to kill a wizard! Good thing Conan and his party of Destroyers are accompanied by the magical eye poking powers of Akiro
4) The Wizard’s Autosales
Thanks to the power of this wizard, both crappy cars were sold for less than the asking price.
3) Tim the Enchanter
Who is it that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
2) Gandalf the Grey
Gandalf’s most epic moment came when he stopped the Balrog in his tracks. He gave is life for his friends and they were truly lost without him. “Fly you fools!”
1) Merlin
This is perhaps my favorite Wizard of all time. Since childhood, I’ve been impersonating the powerful theatrical voice of Nicol Williamson. “Now sleep, in the arms of the Dragon. DREAM.”
