My Worst Date

October 2, 2019
3:12 pm
z CJ Morgan's Blog

Dating is not easy. In fact it can be downright scary! A few weeks ago, several KLBJ employees were gathered around the ol’ water cooler exchanging stories about their worst dating experiences.

In honor of the biggest date night of the year, we decided to share a few of our tales with you.

Sierra | Graphic Design

Not really but the night did start with two bad ass woman comics sharing true crime stories. I’ll start this off by calling this guy Creed..bad name but whatever the guy is low key bad. The last time I hung out with Creed we went to watch a movie about astronauts. Midway through the movie he leaned over to tell me he was going to the bathroom then started sucking my face. I was like uhhh whoa..how are you going to tell me you need to empty your bladder then decide that it was a good idea to try to make out with me. No. Time past and I wasn’t planning on hanging out with Creed again but he decided to buy two fucking great tickets to my favorite podcast, My Favorite Murder. Everyone told me I was stupid if I didn’t go so I decided to go but voiced that I was uncomfortable last time and to please not do it this next time.

As soon as we arrived to the venue I told him where I parked last time to help but he was like “oh no girl, we valet”. In my mind then I was like ok, douche…but whatever I wanted to see Karen and Georgia (comedians). The show begins, I’m super stoked, its dark and quiet besides the funny moments in the show. Creed is trying to talk about god knows what super loud to where the lady next to him keeps looking at him like dude, shut up. Creed decides to take his bright ass phone out to type out a message telling me about this lady. He tells me that I should tell her something, whatever that means. I just giggle and tell him to put his phone up please and to try to listen. You know what your parents say in church when they don’t want to seem like mean parents. That’s me.

ANYWAY, after the show we made our to the merch line where he thought it was the perfect moment to stick his hands up the back of my shirt to “keep them warm”. AGAIN, told him that was not cool. I guess I am either too nice or stupid. Don’t tell me if I’m stupid. We’re in line, he says the girl behind him is standing too close and for me to again ”tell her something”. I still don’t know what he means so I just switch him spots. As I’m picking the shirt I wanted he suggested I get the other shirt that had pink a script typeface. I explained why I liked the other one more. He followed by saying “well, from a design standpoint..” WTF. I am a graphic designer for a living! I again giggled like I was not offended and ended the debate. It was still early so he asked what I wanted to do next.

Thankfully, we ran into one of my friends who invited us to another friends show that was happening downtown. He wanted to go so we did. Something completely changed and he acted pretty normal so was relieved. At this point it was getting late and almost time to leave. Creed leaned over to tell me the bar was fun and asked if I felt uncomfortable. I followed with a “what do you mean?” Creed then asked “do you feel uncomfortable supporting this brass band that has zero black people”.. I’m shook and just staring at him. He then starts telling me these UT students playing their brass instruments are disrespectful for having a brass band because they are not minorities. I don’t remember what I said but I do remember he told me to not be condescending to him and that he understand more about music than I made it out to be. I made him take me home and followed up with the classic “it’s me not you” the next day. He replied with a very rude response about him “trying” with me even though I didn’t let him make out with me in a theater or let him stick his hands up my shirt after a comedy show.. ha ha BYEEEE. This story of Creed will forever haunt me and pretty sure I’ll get a nasty text for sharing but who cares!

Ariana | Digital Content Producer

One time, I went on a date with this guy I used to work with hoping that one thing would lead to another…

We got sushi, and then decided to go get drinks at Parkside (not realizing that place is expensive as sh**).

Anyways, we ended up getting pretty tipsy and I kept trying to hint at him taking me home and to try and increase my chances I went ahead and offered to pay for the bill. I guess he didn’t catch my drift because he did not invite me over and instead went home by himself

So in the end I was left paying over $100 bucks on drinks and not even getting laid.

Ian | Marketing Assistant

There I was, a 16 year old awkward kid getting ready to actually drive and pick up a girl on a date. We went to dinner and ended up taking a nice walk in Zilker Park. Since I felt like it was going pretty well, I decided I’d try and kiss her. I already had my arm around her and she actually had her arm around me too. When I leaned in to kiss her, she pulled back. But the worst part was what she said after that. “I heard from your friend that you haven’t had your first kiss, and I don’t want to be the one to give it to you.”

I knew she also hadn’t kissed anyone before, so I felt pretty bad. Also pretty mad at my friend seeing as how he went out of his way to make it a big deal that I hadn’t had my first kiss. Turns out this was all for the best, but not a great moment for already mildly awkward high school me.

Taylor | Marketing Assistant

I got set up with this guy, and we went on a date to watch a movie premiere party. All was well, he was a cutie and was seemingly sane. That is, until the end of the night. After we left the premiere party, he insisted on going to the 7/11 across the street for a pizza. Gross, but I’m not going to judge. As we were walking out of the 7/11, we saw that there was a fight going on. Instead of avoiding it, he dropped his pizza AND JOINED IN ON THE FIGHT. Needless to say I was shook and I bailed.

Kim | Digital Content Director

An old friend decided to set me up with the brother of a former server at the restaurant that he once managed for a blind date. Considering that I’d met the sister first and she seemed to have her act together, I felt pretty safe giving this guy a chance – I should’ve known when she didn’t have any photos or real stories beyond the fact that we liked the same bands that a hard “no” was the correct answer to a night out with this dude. But, I was 26 and had never been on a blind date before, so I figured “why the hell not?”

Either way, the set up was made, he and I agreed upon a place – RIP Harp off Richmond – via text and the date was set. We met at the bar and I got their first which is how I missed his entrance. We made small talk like every other awkward first meeting and made our way outside so he could order dinner from the steak guy that was grilling for the night. Our next round of conversation went from pleasant to abnormal pretty quickly when he casually told a story about he and his best friend trying crack together for the first time. I laughed – thinking he was joking – and asked his opinion on the drug vs. other substances. His response “I liked it. If you can get your hands on good crack, it’s worth it. Have you ever tried crack before?” I told him “no” to which he met with further encouragement for me to try it out before launching into a story about buying bad crack from someone on a bus while on vacation in Los Angeles. Did I mention he told this story while eating his steak with his mouth open? Cause that was also a thing that was happening.

The night started to come to a close with his last bite of beef as I told him I had an early morning and couldn’t walk to another bar down the block for a third drink. We paid and started walking out the parking lot, when I asked where his car was, he produced a skateboard and said “this is my ride. I don’t have a car.” There was no surprise on my face at his answer. Instead, because it had been raining off and on all day, I offered to drop him off on my ride home.

We got to his house and he invited me inside. Like the idiot 26-year-old I was, I went for it. Inside, he gave me a grand tour of what may be the most disgusting home that I’ve ever been inside of, complete with a visit to his roommates bedroom who slept on an air mattress in a tent complete with Christmas lights. I learned that he slept on a mattress in the dining room of what may be the most disgusting home I’ve ever been inside of. He also showed my his room which was just a mattress on the ground in what should’ve been a small dining area off the kitchen.

We had a beer on the patio – the nicest part of the home – and I quickly left vowing to never go on a blind date ever again. I’ve stuck to that promise.

CJ | Asshat

The date was weird from the get go. It was my first Tinder experience so I had never met her before and we were both expectedly anxious. Second, she kept going back and forth between wanting to bike to the location together or take my car. Fortunately (since it was summer) we took my car.

The plan was to eat, get a few drinks, and then go to a concert.

I treated her to a nice east side restaurant that was highly recommended by a female coworker. Unfortunately, she didn’t eat meat and this place happened to specialize in it. After 15 minutes of her berating the server, we managed to order. Just as things calmed down and we were eating, a drunken listener came up and started (loudly) making fun of me for being on a date. This made her even more uncomfortable so I tried to joke and explain my job in radio to which she replied “Oh, I don’t listen to that crap.”

We survived diner and headed to a bar she recommended. It immediately became clear that she was a regular and the bartender was VERY into her (I understand her wanting to take a first date to a bar she felt comfortable at but the bartender was clearly not happy that she came in on a date). Apparently he likes to make her special drinks so he poured a strong chartreuse martini. He turned to me and whispered: “You are either going to thank me or hate me for making her that.”

After a few drinks we headed to the concert venue. Upon reaching the door I noticed the setlist had been posted: Doors at 9:30, show at 10:30, and headliner at midnight. It was currently 7pm. My date, visibly intoxicated, said she wanted to go across the street to play pool.

Two hours of her knocking into people, talking shit, and almost getting me into fights slowly passed and we finally headed back to the venue. When the headliner started, she decided to leave me and sit on the edge of the stage.

I patiently waited in the back while she talked with some random dudes – and even appeared to give one her number. I contemplated leaving but thought that would not be cool because, after all, she had been with me all night at was at this point very drunk. She was my responsibility and I was going to make sure she got home safe.

On the way home she proceeded to grab and mash my crotch – painfully – while trying to kiss my neck. I did my best to concentrate on the road, which seemed to really piss her off. We arrived at her apartment; I helped walk her to the door and quickly bailed as soon as she got the key in.

We are now married.