SXSW isn’t all about music, film and networking. In fact, the biggest crazes are the non-SXSW related day parties, secret shows, corporate branding events with major artists and free food/booze, RSVP-only gatherings!
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But it’s never a simple task to find a good party, RSVP and get in. Luckily, I’ve been around the block and found the absolute best events that YOU MUST attend! Forget all else, this IS where IT is AT.
HERE IS A FORM YOU CAN FILL OUT
OFFICIAL RSVP LINE
The line has already begun to form and now is your chance to get in it! The only thing more fun than being in a line is being at the front.
INTERACTIVE
JOES CRAB SHACK INFLUENCER & YOUTUBE CELEB BASH
Joe’s Crab Shack on Riverside will arguably be home to the hottest #SXSW party this year. Hundreds of social media influencers and YouTube stars will descend upon Austin with one goal in mind: get you to like them. To do this, they are throwing buckets of free booze and all you can eat crab legs right in the faces of weary SXSW attendees.
This party truly caters to YOU! Over four hundred untalented hacks that have miraculously garnered a giant Internet following by taking hot pics on insta, playing video games on twitch, making shitty YouTube prank videos, or just straight up stealing and reposting memes will all be competing for YOU to LIKE them. Once the party concludes, the top influencers will be chosen and you can proceed to bash them with blunt objects until they are rendered unconscious or you feel they have actually shown remorse for their Internet lifestyles.
–>To RSVP Just like them, please!
THE KANYE WEST INTERRUPTION
The mashup you’ve all been waiting for to kick everything off! Kanye will join some of today’s biggest acts on stage to help them perform their hits on a Bey-esque level. Every major act is going to be at this show raising cash for Kanye.
–>To RSPV just walk in and straight onto the stage
SNAPCHAT SXSWi DAY PARTY
The hottest new app is making a big splash during SXSW Interactive Festival! Free food, booze, music and no clothes for all, BUT there is a hot catch: you can only stay for ten seconds. This is a party you’ll be sure to forget!
–>To RSVP send tasteful nudes to @theCJMorgan
SXSWi MEME FEST
Meet all your favorite internet memes! As part of SXSW Interactive, you can finally link up with Scumbag Steve, Philosoraptor, Sarcastic Wonka, the Socially Awkward Penguin, Successful Black Man and even the Alt-Right leader Pepe the Frog!
–>To RSVP, make the front page of Reddit
SHARTTANK
Drink, dance and then dazzle ABC’s producers with your latest app or invention. The hit television show’s creators stop by the Interactive Festival to listen to all the hip, social networking gurus pitch some crappy app that’s going to “forever change marketing.” If you love hanging with entitled millennial developers and old motivational speakers turned social media hucksters, this party is for you!
–>To RSVP show up with your shitty idea and see if the door guy likes it
THE PIÑATA BASH, BASH
Celebrate Austin’s cultural heritage and historic East side with a week long Piñata party! Anything goes at this fiesta as the property owners say “fuck you” to the tenants they just evicted. This is the real Austin!
–>To RSVP bring some candy as a donation to the family and a bat to smash shit with.
MUSIC
JT SESSIONS VIP HAT LOUNGE
This is the exclusive party of the year! Free bottle service vodka and sushi atop the 360 Tower featuring a performance by Justin Timberlake.
–>To RSVP:
You must know a platinum badge holder and have a Sheettie Bank Visa Card. Bring your Visa Card and your badge-holding friend to the Austin Convention Center. Meet a guy named Phillip. He will direct you to a location to pick up your wristband for the party. After you wait in line to get the wristband, you should probably get in line for the party as there are a limited number of seats (four).
OLD AUSTIN HAUSE OF WEIRD
The Armadillo World Headquarters & Steamboat re-open for two nights of remembering how much better Austin was! Joe Ely, Shawn Colvin, Vallejo, the Scabs, Eric Johnson, Steamroller, Pushmonkey, Arc Angels and more will cover the music of Stevie Ray Vaughan, Dolores and the Blue Bonnet Boys, Janis Joplin, The Skunks, Townes Van Zandt, the 13th Floor Elevators and so many more!
–>To RSVP:
Write a one-page Facebook rant about how much better Austin was before __________ happened (whichever time period you bitch about determines which party you will be sorted in to). Be prepared to show an Austin driver’s license or utility bill from before 1995.
WAHOO!
Free beer and chips party at the 7/11 on 35 & Riverside.
–>To RSVP go in, grab a case of beer and run out yelling “wahoo!”
MEDIA STREET FEST
MTV Music and Viacom present The Never Ending All Access Street Party!
–>To RSVP:
Stop by the MTV/Viacom tent, get a micro-chip inserted into your head and wrist. Once scanned, the chip will beam the MTV party experience directly to your frontal cortex 24/7.
MADONNA
The original diva herself is playing atop the Flapeetoz Flavour Fortress. Check out the poster and figure out how you can win tickets by capturing various stunts on social media.
DMX STREET FREESTYLE
The original Ruff Ryder DMX will be performing freestyle raps at the corner of Congress and 6th street.
–>No need to RSVP, just drop some change into his hat
DON’T EVEN BOTHER HOTEL
An elaborate 16 story hotel is being constructed to host the biggest show of the festival! Beyoncé, Paul McCartney, comedian Jeff Dunham, the Rolling Stones, the Olsen Twins and Queen (complete with hologram Freddie Mercury) are rumored to be performing. To comply with Austin’s standard as a green city, the makeshift hotel will be pushed into Lady Bird Lake after SXSW (forming a new coral reef).
–>You cannot get in to this show so don’t even bother RSVPing
THE SPACE JAMZ
The Groolacks from planet Wdrayz9 will be hosting a free concert series featuring Ke$sha, Taylor Swift and Maroon 5. They are the armed servants of the Dark Lord Zaa, One True Ruler of the Galaxy.
–>To RSVP, attach a brain leach to your head and climb on board their anything goes* party ship
*Anything goes might include but is not limited to anal-probing and the enslavement of the entire human race.
MY PANTS
There is a party in my pants and everyone is coming.
–>To RSVP, just finish this list
I hope I wasted all your time and now you can’t get into any kewl parties.
