MASKLESS Austinites LITTER to Celebrate Holidays!
It’s that time of year again when Austinites litter the sides of highways with dumpy decorations to celebrate baby Jesus, or Kwanzaa, or Chanukah, or Festivus for the Restivus. This year is even worse. People are out there on the side of the road with their families maskless. DON’T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A QUAD-DEMIC!?! It’s true… COVID, RSV, FLU, and HIPSTERITIS. All extremely contagious. Have you been staying at home trying to be safe? Get out and litter the sides of roads and poison the small furry creatures that are just trying to live their best life. I guess it makes you feel better.
I asked a crusty hippie who claims they’ve lived in Austin since its inception how this tradition started.
He told me, “Stevie Ray Vaughan first decorated a tree whilst playing on top of a pallet fire.” Then the hippie asked me for some dogecoin for answering my question. Now you animals have taken the “decorating” craze to a new level. I’ve seen trees adorned with ADVERTISEMENTS! Nothing says ‘Tis The Season like destroying the environment while marketing your wares. Are you rushing out to slap virus baubles all over one of these defenseless trees thinking you’ll be the first with such a witty idea? You are sew clever…
The “decorations” might look nice on all the helpless conifers, but one good rain, or GAWD help us all if a wet freeze rolls through town, and the whole lot looks like trees from a drug fueled Krampus all-nighter.
The worst is when people driving on the already congested and atrocious highways in Austin enjoy this weak attempt at art and SLOW DOWN TO ENJOY IT! Think Austin having less traffic is a blessing from COVID? Think NOT! At least not when driving by these trashy art installations. Nothing says “we’re an advanced civilization” like purposefully increasing congestion on major thoroughfares to appreciate litter.
We might as well start a new tradition of burning dung in trash cans in front of these trees so we can meet our fellow Austinites (6 feet apart) and shoot the breeze.
We can all talk about how great Austin used to be while gorging on Gluten Free Fruitcake and drinking nonalcoholic Eggnog whilst wearing fingerless gloves and an imported Free-Trade Yak hair knitted beanie. Sooooo, Austin.
Your thoughts on this tradition?
What are yer thoughts on the #Austin tradition of "decorating" trees on the sides of roads for the #holidays? 🤔
— B-DOE 🤷♂️ (@BDOEROCKS) December 19, 2022
PICK UP AFTER YERSELF!
If you do assault these defenseless and unwitting trees, please get your lazy ass back out there in January and pick up after yourself. You can always send your wacky pictures of Holiday splendor and idiocracy to @BDOEROCKS. Happy Holidays, you filthy animals.
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Have your culinary creations gone stale?
Looking for something to cook up during the Holidays? Here’s 7 easy meals to make at home!
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